Lady Lipstick here… I have published Lipstick Mafia Stories (2017), the little naughty black book. My dream is to get it out to the world, to cheer up anybody who’s feeling a little overwhelmed by the busiest years of life (kids, work, errands, hobbies, friends, relationships, sexuality, you name it, and the occasional sex…) and just wants a freaking break!
I hope to have an international agent. That’s why I’m looking for any contacts I may have in Finland and abroad! Please read and give me feedback. If you find this funny and think someone might like to read it too, please share <3
This is a short clip of the book in English, and here’s more in Finnish!
Love, Lady Lipstick
Lipstick Mafia Stories tells frank and funny tales about women’s sexuality in the 2010s. The book started out as a real WhatsApp group with five women, whose stories about their busy everyday lives Lady Lipstick collected into a book. Meeri, Maiko, Erin, Vilja and Noora are living the normal lives of people in their thirties and forties at their best – and worst. The women are brought together by their situation in life with a spouse and young children, the aches and pains of everyday life, dark humour, and the highlights and challenges of relationships. Even though they see each other rarely in real life, they know everything about each other. Maybe that is why they can talk about sex and sexuality so freely and irreverently.
Meeri: You won’t believe what just happened! The party entertainer left the ice vibes in our freezer after my birthday, and my dad was taking care of the kids earlier this week… Of course, he thought they were ice lollies and gave them to the kids! When I came in the door they were screaming their heads off about how great these new ice lollies taste! I nearly peed my pants when I saw them sucking on lube-flavoured ice dildos. Oh my God!
Vilja: Ahahahaahaaa!! I can’t even deal!
Maiko: Heheheh, I laughed so hard my husband fell over in fright 😉 Yeah, the flavoured ones were just left in the freezer. At least they hadn’t been really used. I can just see your face when the kids ran up to you, sucking on dildos. But don’t your kids already have experience with adult toys? LOL!
Meeri: They do! As if that wasn’t enough.
Noora: Tell me, I haven’t heard about this!
Meeri: Well, when Seela was little and still crawling, I came home once and found Mr Big Cheese looking upset. I asked what was bothering him. He said that I should be more careful about where I kept my pussy balls! Seela had been playing quietly by herself for a bit too long, so he got curious. She’d crawled into our bedroom and found the training balls in my bedside drawer. When Mr Big Cheese went to check on her he saw that she had a string in her mouth. The baby thought it was a game and tried to crawl away. Mr Big Cheese went after her, and when he saw what was at the end of the string, he must’ve flipped out. He was a bit het up at me 🙂
Erin: At least Seela is getting the hang of tools already, she’s got a leg up on most adults there!
Noora: I’m in stitches here. How does that girl always get into everything? But yeah, I’m with Erin, she’s got it covered!
Vilja: Our Paavo was rubbing his gums on a small dildo once when he was teething. He’d found it after our bathroom games somehow. I’d managed to forget the whole thing.
Noora: Those dildos, so useful!
Meeri: Oh shit, how do I get these things out? I give you: a born-again virgin stuck in the sandbox. The brand of my pelvic floor training balls must be Sahara.
Erin: Does everyone but me have balls? I’m only interested in the green jelly ones. Are the Geisha balls and the training balls the same thing? I’m so out of the pussy muscle training scene… I’ve been focusing on my abs 😉
Noora: Erin, we can give you virtual Sahara ball training. But first we have to do a Geisha ball extraction on Meeri or something. Don’t they come out when you push, isn’t there a string?
Maiko: Did you try squatting?
Vilja: Bad joke time: a gynaecologist recommended Geisha balls to a woman. She called back the next day: It’s already been a few hours since I swallowed them, but nothing feels any tighter!
Noora: I haven’t used those balls much, though. I used to squeeze my pussy when I was breastfeeding or on the bus to work.
Maiko: Squeezing your pussy on the bus. Brilliant.
Vilja: I have the Geisha ones too. I put them in my vag once (about 10 years ago!) and walked to the bus stop. Both of them popped out before I got there.
Noora: You could also try training with the kids. Every time the two-year-old asks “What’s that?”, you do a few reps of the bottom squeeze, for every scream of “Mommyyyyy!” a few reps of the vag squeeze and for every “Ladybird!” you do a few Kegels. And after a set of 10 each, you can shout bingo!
Erin: What’s the difference between those balls anyway? I should google that sometime when it’s convenient, like in a work meeting…
Noora: Are the Geisha balls a sex thing or something?
Meeri: No, I really mean it. Do I have to push these things out like a baby? They don’t have any string, there’s just two balls.
Noora: Well that sounds weird, just two balls? Are you sure they aren’t those yin-yang balls you’re supposed to roll around in your hand? Do they make a calming jingling sound if you move them?
Maiko: Oh, poor Meeri! I once pushed a plum into my vag. Then I got scared – what if I couldn’t get it out? But I did.
Noora: Why, Maiko, why?!
Meeri: Thank you! I burst out laughing so hard that the balls fell out! Or maybe ’burst’ is not the word to use here…
Erin: Maiko, you should’ve just waited for the plum to dry and come out as a prune.
Maiko: I don’t know why I did it! I was young, wild and inexperienced.
Noora: Oh nice, just think if something had oozed out in a bus or something, you could’ve said it was only prune juice.
Vilja: “Mom, I can’t sleep when you’re laughing!”
Maiko: Meeri, try a kettlebell the next time, it’s easier to get out.
Erin: You know, there might be a big demand for pussy-squeezed prune juice. Don’t people pay through the nose for coffee beans pooped out by cats? Or hey, pussy-squeezed wine. Different vintages and everything.
Meeri: I feel inspired by that plum, too. If I started training really hard now, do you think I could squeeze my own apple juice by next autumn?
Maiko: Is that how they make extra virgin olive oil?
Noora: Has to be! I could only make ex-virgin, though.
Meeri: Now that the training is finished, what’s next? Stretching?
TITS IN INSTALMENTS
Maiko: I had a boob consultation.
Noora: What’s that? You met a pair of great tits and they gave you life advice? 🙂
Meeri: So when do you get new tits?
Maiko: I’m still thinking about it. And I have to visit a doctor. This was just a consultation with the nurse. At the doctor’s, you make a plan on the computer that shows how you’d look with a new rack in different sizes.
Erin: Can you get a copy of the pictures? They’d make a beautiful collage of your growth. You could put that next to the kids’ classroom pictures, like this: Mom 1D, Mom 2D, Mom 3D… How much are you going to get?
Maiko: We talked about the implants first, and I got to hold them. Pretty funny round thingies. The nurse wasn’t sure if the implant was enough, or if I should also get corrective surgery! Apparently my breasts are a bit “sad”, they’re looking down. If I want to get a lot of volume in there, the nipples might need to be moved a bit up north.
Erin: So how much did you want?
Maiko: I just wanted to get these empty bags filled in. I don’t know how many decilitres. I was told the doctors can pick the right size, so they’re in proportion to the rest of your body and match the chest. But they also said something really interesting: I’m an ideal subject for a fat transfer to my tits!
Vilja: What?! I want to know more too! I’ve got a DD cup now, but I’m sure there’ll be nothing but empty bags with strawberry-sized nipples left after the baby is done with my boobs.
Maiko: They were advertising an option of doing a liposuction and then just piping your own fat cells into your tits! That would get rid of the fat, which never comes back since they take the fat cells out, and besides, wouldn’t it be great to recycle!
Noora: That would be so handy. What do you mean an ideal subject?
Maiko: Well, you can’t do it unless there’s enough fat in the body to harvest. 😉 It felt great to be praised for being just right, if only because you could get a nice bit of fat out of me!
Erin: So how much do the recycled tits cost?
Maiko: They are pretty expensive, especially if you get them done at that place. Central Helsinki, swanky setup and service. But you can pay in instalments – €99 a month! 🙂
Meeri: I wonder if you could sneak it in with the monthly bills, like the groceries.
Vilja: Soon you’ll be able to buy tits at the supermarket. The meat counter services keep expanding – you could get loyalty points for liposuction.
Erin: But what if you don’t pay your monthly instalment on time? Will they come to take the fat and put it back in your thighs?